Revelations, Realizations and Resolutions

I have been hellbent on deciding which of the League of Legends cinematics is my favorite up to date. I always thought it was going to be the Awaken cinematic because yeah, that was just pure epicness jumbled into one animated short. Also probably because I have been maining Camille in League of Legends: Wild Rift, climbing up to Platinum with her on solo queue and thus, forcing me to build this unhealthy one sided infatuation with this 80-year old something cougar with legs that could literally slice me up before I even know it. But damn is she strong, so so strong. To the point that there are days when I find myself wishing I could get hit by a Camille true damage Q twirl. Or at least have the skill to actually play her on the PC because my noob ass could never find the right keys to press when the time calls for it. I always thought I was a Bot Laner, doing my best to carry games with Kai’sa until I was slapped to the face with how absolutely addicting it is to be a hidden carry by sitting still in the Top lane. Now, I go Top Lane for everything; from Tank Karma who rushes Sunfire Aegis and Spirit Visage, or a Morgana who just builds full AP and lives to tell the tale every time she is ganked by a fed Hecarim because her Dark Shield is just absolutely broken. But my Top main will always be the tentacle porn queen herself and how I wish I could play Camille on the PC just as efficiently as I could play Illaoi (and damn does her cosmic skin look good). Also, what is it with me and my affliction for Tita characters??? I really just can’t see myself simping over Ahri or worshipping Miss Fortune’s breasts.

Just look at that fucking beauty.

If you are curious as to how this read would unfold for you, it would be me dawdling around several points, clueless as to how I could even reach my points — and I beg you to bear with me because it has been ages since I last expounded my thoughts on something like *hurls* my feelings. If you know me in person, you would know that I really like talking about what I’m passionate about. And if you know me really well, you would also know that I barely talk about anything else because for some reason people really find it difficult believing me when I tell them I’m shy. And yeah, before we get deeper into the discussion about my twisted psyche, let’s head back to what I have been doing for the past couple of weeks: which has been rewatching League of Legends cinematics and I have reached a conclusion about which is worthy to hold the title of being my favorite out of all these brilliant videos. And it was a no-brainer— it was Star Guardians: Light and Shadow.

Star Guardians??? WHAT??????

Okay, I’m not the biggest fan of the skinline. But this cinematic deserves all the credit, it is just absolutely stunning. Personally, I feel like it is one of League’s most ambitious videos, on par with Evelynn’s Villain concept video and every diehard Yasuo mains’ sexual stimuli, the Kin of the Stained Blade cinematic. So what exactly made me simp over this video this much to the extent that I felt the need to write about it? It’s because I’m just a sucker for a video where the visuals and the sounds are just too on point. Being someone who likes breaking down film and looking at them from a nano-perspective, I just absolutely love a video that puts attention to subtle detail. And this video had it all, from almost unnoticeable touches to the motion graphics, to adding plotlines that only the true League of Legends gamers could pick up on (all while being an absolute feast for those who know nothing of the game). For someone who has no clue on what the fuck is going on during the video, it will still be a treat because it is so well produced. And for those who do? Oh, boy. I always nut to it. Those tiny details like Neeko morphing into Xayah, and Rakan falling for it by attacking the true Xayah while healing Neeko. The entire sequence where Zoe and Neeko are asserting dominance in the mid lane (I don’t know if it’s just me but I adore the fact that Zoe got Neeko’s clone which made Neeko successfully land her root on her, but alas, the Sleepy Trouble Bubble — that was just a good detail that only someone who plays the game will get). And the fact that Neeko was able to mimic Xayah because she was an ally… *cries in Star Guardian*

The transitions between 2D and 3D animation for this was just out of this world

And let’s not forget the soundtrack, which was made by Hiroyuki Sawano. To those of you who are not familiar with the name, he along with Shiro Sagisu, are who I consider to be the pioneers of our generation’s anime soundtracks. The dude is pretty much 50% the reason why Attack on Titan is being praised for what it is now. And this same dude, seriously made the time to make a track for League of Legends. My blue balls are killing me. And as someone who puts so much emphasis on audio as an editor, this cinematic really did stuff to me. I honestly feel that this score could even be used on AoT’s final season, in specific parts like ughm, this and that. I can’t get enough of this cinematic because these two things in particular, anime and League of Legends, are what made 2020 bearable for me. And to see a collaboration of these two in one production is something that I find truly mind-blowing.

Why is this music not on Spotify for crying out loud… Also, imagine this score being used during the Paradis Infiltration. I will not be okay if that happens.

Speaking of anime, there are so much anime to look forward to next year, no? Off the bat, Bleach is coming back for the animated version of the Thousand Year War, Shaman King with a remake, Kaguya-sama and its 3rd season, Attack on Titan Final Season will resume after the holidays again, and controversial mangas like the Record of Ragnarok will have its animated series. But even if the year is ending in literally a few hours, I must say that mentally, I never really left 2019. Because up to this point in time, I could still say with utmost confidence that the 2019 winter anime The Promised Neverland is still my favorite 1st season of any anime I have ever watched. I have rewatched it a couple of times during the quarantine, going toe to toe with Hunter x Hunter and the Evangelion Movies in terms of the animes I have been fervently doing reruns on. There’s just something about it that tugs my heart strings y’know. So yeah, congratulations, if you have made it to this point, you could now actually start reading. I needed to weed out the weak by passionately expounding about my recurrent League of Legends/anime addiction. If you are still reading this, I wish you a happy new year.

What I transcribed above is kind of like a testament to my resolve. I don’t know how much it will take from me, but I feel that I am in terms with my path on pursuing production, guys. I have started looking around for production houses here in Japan where I could start internships and I am decided to quit my good-paying job the second I secure an internship slot. Hopefully, I get to accomplish all this by May, or by the summer at the latest. And as for the reason I brought up the Promised Neverland? Well, for an anime, it truly has one of the best cinematography and scores I’ve encountered so far, with the official theme, Isabella’s Lullaby, being an absolute masterpiece, if anything. But I’d want to focus on the plot for a change: why I absolutely love it, and why I can’t shrug off a familiar feeling whenever I watch it. And it’s all because of one character in the series.

Best Boy.

Phil, is not your average 4 year old toddler. And people who has watched the anime knows this. What I feel like people are getting wrong though, is when they call Phil a genius from the get-go. Because no, in my opinion, he isn’t just smart because he was born that way. Phil grew up to be this keen on stuff because he was surrounded by the likes of Emma, Norman and Ray from such a young age. He was constantly exposed to an environment where these smart kids thrived. Phil is undeniably a genius, I mean who notices Morse patterns at the young age of four. But moreover, his genius is a byproduct of being around stimuli that shaped him to be so. He became a genius. And I kinda relate to that. Not because I’m a genius, but because Phil is cute and so was I at his age.

See, I was never really smart smart. I was good at school and at studying but I never really excelled at one thing to the point where I could say I’m the best at it. And I’ve made my peace with that a long time ago. But if there was one thing that drove me to distances, it was my environment. When I changed schools, and got surrounded by kids who were just as smart or even smarter than I was, I was driven to strive harder and to prove myself. When I moved to Japan and was thrown into a public school when I couldn’t even speak Japanese yet, I pulled off the hardest grind and mastered Japanese in a year, to the point that I got higher grades than my Japanese classmates at school. And then Ateneo. I don’t even know where to start — the amount of talent I was exposed to while I was there, and the things that it has allowed me to do...goddamn. Up to now, where I was and who I was surrounded with molded me into the person I was at that point in time. So I think you could only imagine what this quarantine has done to me.

The past months were nothing but flipping calendars nonchalantly, with no real accomplishments, a state of stagnancy where I felt like there was no personal growth whatsoever even if there were any. It was a lone battle of having to face a screen, only to find myself clicking the mute button, and then the video button off. At first it was just the synchronous classes, and then it became the video calls with friends, until it ended with me ignoring calls altogether. Seeing emails pile up, message boxes reach three digits, and feeling absolutely nothing. It got worse around October-ish when I found out that online classes would push through for as long as it can — ultimately leading me to my decision on quitting school for the time being after this bloody semester. It was when I just stopped fighting it and decided to stop hoping, and boy is it so much harder when your people are at distance that requires a plane ticket. I can’t even count the number of times I glanced at a notification and then proceeded to do what I was doing, whether while I was playing League, working, or just doing nothing. I know it was a shitty thing for me to do, but there was just something that made me absolutely happy when I was talking to friends, but simultaneously made me feel so empty — and damn did I hate that feeling. Sad to say, but replying, even greeting people during the holidays, has become such a goddamn effort, when in fact, I know I’m the type of person who loves showering people with flowery words during the festive season. And to make things worse, work wasn’t really cooperative either, with me having to beg for dayoffs for the Christmas holidays and for days when I had to rush for requirement deadlines. Japan’s overall attitude towards the pandemic wasn’t helpful either.

To be frank, I’m not really sure how I would want to proceed from here. A part of me is telling me to let go of most of you, knowing that the chances of us being acquaintances in the coming years might be slim, and to just remember these pretty faces, so that if ever we bump into each other somewhere down the road, it would feel like a reunion with a long lost friend. But there’s also a part of me screaming to hold on to everyone I have met with dear life, to keep each connection I’ve made, hoping it would blossom into something I could look back on and be nothing but thankful that I made the decision to commit.

I just realized that one of my favorite films fall under the Southern Gothic genre (a genre I had to tackle for a film class)

Big Fish (2003) was a film I grabbed when I was 8 and had absolutely no idea what the fuck was going on in my initial viewing. It was only until recently that I found myself drowning in a puddle of my own tears because 1) Jessica Lange is such a versatile actress and I love her so much and 2) the storytelling of this film is just way too beautiful for its own good. The film is far from perfect, given our generation’s current criteria in defining a great film. But nonetheless, it is and has something. Almost like Tim Burton decided to stop with the weird makeup, but kept the interesting camera angles and framing, recruited the best actors he could get, talked to God about how life should be lived, and then wove it together into a film that will definitely catch you off guard.

In the film, the protagonist ran into an incident (will definitely not spoil) wherein he bumps into the goldfish’s adaptability to its environment, that it can grow bigger if it is in a bigger aquarium. This tiny analogy will linger throughout the film until its cathartic ending, leaving the audiences wondering how a fish could grow into unbelievable sizes, ultimately becoming immortal. I don’t want to say I’m like a goldfish because of the simple reason that I absolutely hate goldfish. But just this once, I feel like I could be something remotely close to one.

For the past months, I was in an odd place where I had little to no stimulus that was pushing me to propel to certain directions in life. 2020 has been that year. The bitch really had the audacity to strip an entire year from my limited life. All this time I looked at this as a drawback and went with it, moping along the way. That can’t happen anymore. This new year needs to be different. I need to change the angle from where I look at my predicament— I am literally in a clean slate, with no one or anything having the capability to influence my choice of actions. All I have to do is do. I was never a person who disdained solitude. But the past few months really took its toll on me in a weird, and unhealthy way. In 2021, I’m hoping that this solitude will help me stop relying on what I surround myself with in order to dictate what I could do or become, but rather help me truly establish myself as my own independent being. I’ve always known who I was and what I wanted, but perhaps it’s high time for me to decide what I want to do with that. I’m me — and what about it? I guess I’ve reached the point where I have to finally fucking have to start dealing with that question. I can’t waste the most important years of my youth sitting around, waiting for something to happen — the world needs to stop moving around me as it likes, I need to start making it move the way I want it to.

Knowing that most of my friends are scandalous and are itching for some tea about me, here’s a couple of updates about me which I feel like I could share:

  • I have been working my butt off, hence I was able to get a new iPhone12. It’s my first phone in 5 years.
  • Since I’m going full time and quitting school once the year starts, its either I’m going to be even harder to reach or could make time for more quick replies or calls on Discord. Although it might sound like a dick thing to say, but either seems like a good option for me.
  • I actually simped on someone during the start of sophomore year, causing me to stop hooking up and sleeping around. Oddly (lmao), it didn’t work out which left me in a state that made me vulnerable to *shivers* feelings, something that has never happened before. What has it done to me? It made me check out my friends (hehe), meet up with exes and quit dating apps. For the friends who have known me for years, be proud: it’s not just about the sex for me anymore. Just weeks before quarantine happened, I was so determined to start looking for a stable commitment and then the rest is history. Right now, I know I’m ready for an emotional commitment. But do I want one? I don’t think so. And I probably wouldn’t want one anytime soon. Simping is tiring bruh. I’m probably only going to be down if ever I meet someone I find appealing, who’s also willing and able to go on a death dance with me.
  • January means League will put up a new cinematic for Season 11. Might do a react video on that.
  • Will definitely get that instabody by the summer. I know it doesn’t sound as cool as someone born on a dragon year who would welcome the Year of the Dragon, but as an Ox, I want to try to look my best self in my year, nawmsayn? Will work on my skin, on the bod, on the hair… idk I just feel like I should look as good as the Friends when they were 24 and started living their unrealistic New Yorker lives.
also, I’m smoking again (don’t worry, I’ll try to smoke in healthy doses)
  • Planning to do something crazy before the summer. Will update if I get stuff confirmed.

Congratulations! If you’ve read up to this point then clearly you like me. Thank you for that. I don’t say this a lot but I love you guys, in my own weird and twisted way. If ever I haven’t replied to you yet, replied but took 4–5 business days after you messaged me, didn’t get back to you as soon as I could: I am very sorry and I hope you find it in your heart to cut me some slack and forgive me. I hope we finally get a year we deserve (2020 was I think okay, since most of us needed the karma). Happy New Year, guys. Hoping to meet everyone not-so-soon. Although, I am looking forward to seeing you guys when I am finally confident in my own skin again, because I’m probably gonna show you guys a hell of a good time. I miss everyone and I mean it. Hope you all stay safe and find your respective ways of celebrating amidst this pandemic.

よいお年を。

Just your average teenage guy. As of now, I kinda fanboy a lot, sing in the shower a lot, write a lot, curse a lot and play volleyball a lot.